Get that Thought Route
music going. These entries in their own way have helped me work through this sudden onset of intense depressive mood and lack of motivation (thank the maker one
of my names isn't my channel's).
So-a mere two weeks ago or so-I was thumbnailing an idea with Plum. I was off-the-walls energetic and happy, and actually talked about my characters and channel for two hours straight without realizing how long it'd been. I couldn't stop. Therefore I don't hate animation.
Okay-so two weeks ago, where was I? New York City
specifically living in Queens and commuting nearly daily to parts of Manhattan (and towards the end of my stay, Brooklyn).
So where am I now? Where have I traveled back to after two weeks? Florida
specifically Spring Hill.
What's the difference? What's the deciding factor? What's suddenly made me "hate animation" or "feel too burned out to work on anything"? It's not the animation:
Leaving New York City and coming back to Florida has made me depressed.
There was so much hope up in my birth state (I like to constantly remind myself I was born there). I was getting HRT started, I was being myself, I was surrounded by artists and actresses ready and willing to collab with me, I had stuff to do every single day, life was good-and as miserable as I was at times (especially the first two weeks) I was still so much happier than I am here. A month was enough time to see that NY fits me so much better than this small town ever could. It's time to do everything I can to save and go back-permanently.
...but I'm not sure how. Jobs are not a thing in Spring Hill, you're SOL without a car, and I still don't have the confidence, discipline, or work ethic to make good money from doing commissions or keeping up with Patreon. Meanwhile take a look at what my YouTube makes me-whether I get in trouble for it or not (I've lied about this number a LOT to not feel like such a loser when people ask):
I know I know, there's people making pennies through adsense who would kill for $75. I spent three years never going above $10 per month and used to envy anyone above it. However on average adult income, unemployed at 26 years of age, and only being paid for the month when the money gets over $100. Ha ha, well...ya know. Animation on YouTube is awesome.
But I'm digressing and beating myself up, two things I love to do. I have to look at the facts I'm stuck in Spring Hill until November 5th, where my grandma will then drive me up there to celebrate my aunt's birthday.
My original plan was to come back-work my ass off on YouTube and get myself up to 10K subscribers so I could come back to New York and use the NY Space in Chelsea (which is a beautiful thing by the way).
However, now that I am back-I'm finding I don't feel anything for any of the projects I'm working on
I think "what's the point?" and even if I think of the 10K goal, I don't feel happy working on them and I don't quite know why either. Enter a risky strategy for my channel, livelihood, reputation, future, and audience:
The "Fuck It All, I'm Back in Spring Hill" Protocol
From now all the way through about December I wish to focus on a lack of thought. Not being afraid, doing the first thing that comes to mind and following my instincts. My goal with it is to make myself happy enough to deal with having to stay in Spring Hill again.
I fully expect low views, people to unsubscribe, and my engagement and revenue to plummet even more-but truly what do I have to lose? I'm friendless, jobless, borderline homeless, and making nothing from my online endeavors.
I don't know, maybe this is me at the end of my rope with my mental health hitting its breaking point, maybe I'll regret the fuck out of all of this.
But it's happening because I'm not going to keep letting masturbation, Reddit, and sleep be the highlight of my days for two months straight.
Fuck it all, let's do it.