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My cycle seems to be quite unique. Create good work>"yay, Cromartie!">feel like I'm moving forward>get burned out>make a ton of journal entries about how much I hate everything>toil>find that thing again>create good work>repeat.

I don't quite know how but I find myself with the first ten girls in Deville Trolls Capcom finished as of today. Considering that I finished five of them from scratch only last night and it seems this project is still on track for being done soon.

I can try to hazard a guess albeit I'm not the best judge of it-but I think what happened is, I realized this is a job. One that pays far below a fraction of minimum wage (income for last year was about $500) but something with deadlines, income, and an audience nonetheless. I said to myself it's just like having to sit behind that cash register at McDonalds only because you have to. 

And so, I then said to myself. "At least my equivalent to McDonalds is having to draw girls getting wedgies. Is that as bad as dealing with crappy customers for 12 hours?" Somehow I was finally able to move on.

Deville Trolls Capcom coming soon.
I'm an ambitious, entrepreneurial person. So it goes without saying I have a lot of false starts and failed attempts. Like my music channel.

No regrets. Life is full of risk, and thus failure, which is what leads to eventual success. Truth be told I understand full well why it failed. Namely I didn't feel like putting in the same effort and work it took to get my animation channel off the ground. It's okay though, because low views or not-everything has its home at MrCromartie1989 instead. 

So yes, "Troll Like Me", "Mooning" and all that good stuff-will now be back at the main channel. Thank you.
Get that Thought Route music going. These entries in their own way have helped me work through this sudden onset of intense depressive mood and lack of motivation (thank the maker one of my names isn't my channel's).

So-a mere two weeks ago or so-I was thumbnailing an idea with Plum. I was off-the-walls energetic and happy, and actually talked about my characters and channel for two hours straight without realizing how long it'd been. I couldn't stop. Therefore I don't hate animation.

Okay-so two weeks ago, where was I?  New York City specifically living in Queens and commuting nearly daily to parts of Manhattan (and towards the end of my stay, Brooklyn).

So where am I now? Where have I traveled back to after two weeks? Florida specifically Spring Hill.

What's the difference? What's the deciding factor? What's suddenly made me "hate animation" or "feel too burned out to work on anything"? It's not the animation:

Leaving New York City and coming back to Florida has made me depressed.


There was so much hope up in my birth state (I like to constantly remind myself I was born there). I was getting HRT started, I was being myself, I was surrounded by artists and actresses ready and willing to collab with me, I had stuff to do every single day, life was good-and as miserable as I was at times (especially the first two weeks) I was still so much happier than I am here. A month was enough time to see that NY fits me so much better than this small town ever could. It's time to do everything I can to save and go back-permanently.

...but I'm not sure how. Jobs are not a thing in Spring Hill, you're SOL without a car, and I still don't have the confidence, discipline, or work ethic to make good money from doing commissions or keeping up with Patreon. Meanwhile take a look at what my YouTube makes me-whether I get in trouble for it or not (I've lied about this number a LOT to not feel like such a loser when people ask):


I know I know, there's people making pennies through adsense who would kill for $75. I spent three years never going above $10 per month and used to envy anyone above it. However on average adult income, unemployed at 26 years of age, and only being paid for the month when the money gets over $100. Ha ha, well...ya know. Animation on YouTube is awesome.

But I'm digressing and beating myself up, two things I love to do. I have to look at the facts I'm stuck in Spring Hill until November 5th, where my grandma will then drive me up there to celebrate my aunt's birthday.  My original plan was to come back-work my ass off on YouTube and get myself up to 10K subscribers so I could come back to New York and use the NY Space in Chelsea (which is a beautiful thing by the way).

However, now that I am back-I'm finding I don't feel anything for any of the projects I'm working on I think "what's the point?" and even if I think of the 10K goal, I don't feel happy working on them and I don't quite know why either. Enter a risky strategy for my channel, livelihood, reputation, future, and audience:

The "Fuck It All, I'm Back in Spring Hill" Protocol


From now all the way through about December I wish to focus on a lack of thought. Not being afraid, doing the first thing that comes to mind and following my instincts. My goal with it is to make myself happy enough to deal with having to stay in Spring Hill again.

I  fully expect low views, people to unsubscribe, and my engagement and revenue to plummet even more-but truly what do I have to lose? I'm friendless, jobless, borderline homeless, and making nothing from my online endeavors.

I don't know, maybe this is me at the end of my rope with my mental health hitting its breaking point, maybe I'll regret the fuck out of all of this.

But it's happening because I'm not going to keep letting masturbation, Reddit, and sleep be the highlight of my days for two months straight.

Fuck it all, let's do it.
dancing girl one photo cacc7b74aeb5e06fa55f906.gif
Two journal entries in one 24 hour period? Yep. It's all that keeps my mind occupied right now, and very therapeutic. Apologies if I'm not replying to all my comments and whatnot, these are very stream of consciousness things for me.

People tell me all the time the things they'd like to see happen to Plum, or what Deville should do next-and that's fine and dandy and I love people having interest in my characters and want those requests to always keep coming. But rarely have I dove into answering my own requests. Even when I've done work with no real audience input-thinking about what'll be the most popular is still in the back of my mind (like most of Balloon Toons Season 2 being based around trends and upcoming VG releases at the time).  

The times I have done what's made me happy, the ideas that truly speak to my soul and make me burn with passion have been trainwrecks that have scared me out of ever trying again-take the 5K milestone for example:


I was so passionate about it, being I looove 90s Disney. I contacted a guy for the instrumental, spent ample time on recreating the backgrounds from scratch, all that jazz. Only to see the poor reception it got. It was a wake up call, one I had a few times before when I tried to do a similarly failed Sherlock parody and Star Wars fanfilm. It was a stark reminder that what makes me happy isn't necessarily what my audience wants to see.

There's been some cool exceptions. Take Plum having pudding poured down her pants, which was another passion project doing so well:


But alas the exceptions are few and far between. I've had enough bombs to scare me out of trusting my instinct and own motivations. 

What do you want to do literally right now?
I want to rewrite the lyrics to "If Only" to fit my own life and have my own characters singing it (with the assistance of two other singers)-especially the part that starts at 3:24


A Little Mermaid inspired idea has been beating me on the head for years now. Alas so did a Pocahontas idea and we saw how well that went.

"Stuff is going to bomb, you're going to bomb." Was key advice from the guy behind Key of Awesome. So I should just say, "fuck you fear" and do the ideas that make me happy-low views and viewer dissatisfaction be damned right?

But when you've bombed four times-it's easy to feel like there's zero point at all in even starting.

Except for the musical trailer, that actually gave me a bit of hope to see so many views and interest. Deville's my homegirl.
A short time ago this was a video I shot in New York with my cell phone-at a rarely uncrowded time in Times Square. Quite frankly I actually tried to stay out of the slow-moving crowded area as often as possible, but an Ariel shirt I wanted at the Disney Store enticed me to keep coming back.


In it I spoke with my newfound optimism. Things to be expected from moving to a diverse city where people aren't making racist jokes about me being the only minority in the room, or where I can shop for and wear whatever I want whether it's designed for men or women in public. Best of all, within two weeks I made unprecedented progress in friendship and dating in the form of getting to know at least 8 new people and going on the 3rd date in my 26 year old life-my first in two years. In short, it was great and my irrational fears of being mugged, accosted, or killed in a public transit accident aside-it made all my "gloom and doom" videos about NYC seem silly in retrospect.

I found myself inspired. I'd stay up hours in a frenzy drawing thumbnails and storyboards-one of which involved drafting an entire 90s cartoon style intro for a new series with Plum. I was taking down studio contact details, doing my research in the Queens and NYP libraries daily, visiting parks and museums to chill and be inspired-just loving life and feeling like my artistic dreams were finally within reach for the first time since I was a budding teenager.

But I knew it was temporary. My family wasn't approving of having me live with them, even if I got a job and help paid rent, as they liked their privacy. Nothing against them there-everyone does. But it also meant the promise of being able to stay in NYC died upon arrival.

Apartments and roommates weren't looking up either. And every job opportunity I was promised last year was all of a sudden not there when I arrived. I eventually "gave up" and decided I'd treat my remaining month there (cut down from the original plan of staying a bare minimum of 3) more like an extended tourist stay. Even though I still took a serious look into career and living opportunities I managed to focus on having fun instead (and have it I did, daily all the way until I left).

So the day (September 8th) came-the day I'd go back to Port Authority Bus Terminal to leave. It hit me, I'd be going back to the place I contemplated killing myself two years prior. The place where hope only lived in my computer screen, 3DS, Wii U, or Netflix-where I could distract myself away from the hopelessness outside of it all. While Spirit of Justice thankfully held me on the bus ride to FL-I could feel the change in culture and shift back away from progressiveness the further South I got. "Shit" I thought, here I am-back home.

It took some days. I'd wake up from my dreams about walking through Chelsea Market again, or in my waking life I'd confuse parked cars for food trucks and see bridges and trees out the corner of my eye as subway trains running. I'd even hear the SFX sometimes. Only a month in NYC was enough to embed it in my brain.

Yet now here I am-September the 14th. I can't do a damn thing. I can't look at a pencil-I have zero motivation for even projects that should excite me (like comic books revolving around attractive women pouring stuff in their pants, or musical work). Nothing. I start drawing-get burned out on the process in minutes and I'm done. If not that, I find myself ready to break my computer in half at the slightest software error. As if my anger and penchant for violence has increased tenfold. I ask myself, "what the hell made me so inspired in New York?" What changed? Why would the loss of population and 24/7 transit be enough to send me back into a depressive slump?

I don't know. But I know Deville Trolls Capcom isn't coming out on the 30th no matter how hard I try. Everything feels pointless and I'm not going to fight it anymore. No matter how "dead" that makes my channel. I just can't do it. Nothing's there. 
My cycle seems to be quite unique. Create good work>"yay, Cromartie!">feel like I'm moving forward>get burned out>make a ton of journal entries about how much I hate everything>toil>find that thing again>create good work>repeat.

I don't quite know how but I find myself with the first ten girls in Deville Trolls Capcom finished as of today. Considering that I finished five of them from scratch only last night and it seems this project is still on track for being done soon.

I can try to hazard a guess albeit I'm not the best judge of it-but I think what happened is, I realized this is a job. One that pays far below a fraction of minimum wage (income for last year was about $500) but something with deadlines, income, and an audience nonetheless. I said to myself it's just like having to sit behind that cash register at McDonalds only because you have to. 

And so, I then said to myself. "At least my equivalent to McDonalds is having to draw girls getting wedgies. Is that as bad as dealing with crappy customers for 12 hours?" Somehow I was finally able to move on.

Deville Trolls Capcom coming soon.

deviantID

TBWPlum
United States
Animator, musical theater enthusiast/performer-aspirations of achieving both professionally. If I'm not singing, I'm working like crazy on cartoons that pique my desire for leveling the gender playing field when it comes to slapstick animation.
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:iconisaac617:
isaac617 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2016  Student Digital Artist
hi bud. wanna talk?
Reply
:iconinflat-a-toad:
Inflat-a-Toad Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2016  Student General Artist
My birthday is on the 15th. fav.me/dagdews

There's a contest.
Reply
:icontbwplum:
TBWPlum Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2016
My birthday is December the 26th.

There's a feeling that I'm three years from 30.
Reply
:iconinflat-a-toad:
Inflat-a-Toad Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2016  Student General Artist
I'm turning 22. Are you going to participate in my birthday contest?
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:iconisaac617:
isaac617 Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2016  Student Digital Artist
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:iconisaac617:
isaac617 Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2016  Student Digital Artist
hey there. I wanted to share this FLA file with you. are my animating skills alright? sta.sh/01tcvphcnn3l (been listening to your lessons)
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:icontbwplum:
TBWPlum Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2016
Ah you stuck in her sleeve like my request, nice. :-) Well let's start with timing and spacing. It's 30 FPS (instead of the 24 it should be) and moves lightning fast. I recommend one of two things: You literally frame by frame The Big Wash and take note of how many times Goofy changes and when, or review The Animator Survival Kit's section on timing and spacing. Anatomy, thinking about how water moves around the body, and etc. can come much, much later. Thanks for this, feels good breaking the scene down for others. ;-)
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:iconisaac617:
isaac617 Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2016  Student Digital Artist
ok. I just downloaded the original TBW clip as a SWF file for help. is that good?
Reply
:icontbwplum:
TBWPlum Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2016
Whatever lets you frame by frame it.
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